The present tense is masterful, keeps the reader ‘present’. I’m sure I held my breath for several minutes along the way. So many fine lines. Great to find fiction this good here … makes me want to raise my own bar.
Now that’s a story. I was completely immersed. I could feel the tension in the first paragraph/that first dialogue exchange, and man, it did not let go all the way through. By story’s end I was literally sitting on the edge of my seat, hand over mouth—didn’t even realize I’d moved!
This is a mind-blowing piece of prose, Jim. The use of the present tense here is just perfection. The conversation in the barber shop is pure gold. That poor kid, being dragged into centuries-old traditions of useless vendettas against his better judgement -- that is exactly how it is perpetuated. These young men have only two choices - you join in or you leave town. ( By the way, I re-watched a very early Al Pacino movie last night ( 1973 - Serpico). A fantastic film that holds up magnificently 50 years later. I recommend it. You will see young Antonio in his face.
Aww thanks, Sharron and thank you for your always spot-on advice. I do remember Pacino in Serpico. I will have to watch it again. Sometimes these old movies just aren't as good as you remember them and you cringe when you see them again, many years later.
Yes. I know how that is! But you might agree Serpico is an exception. Of course, his 1973 hipster wardrobe is jarring, but he was an undercover cop and dressed like the youth of that era. Those other cops despised him because he refused to take bribes like all the rest of them did. True story. Sidney Lumet direction.
Jim looking at his screen, wondering why an outstanding writer like Nathan would even notice, not knowing what to say, happy for the praise but needing to maintain his cool, saying "thanks, bro."
Thank you Victor. Yes, taking up smoking to be like Sali and crushing a cigarette under his father's shoe indicated to me that he had accepted "The Life" and all that would come with it. No need to go any further.
Holy shit, this is phenomenal. The whole thing screams style, and I love how you've used the tense and all those long sentences. It provides such a good feel of character, not just in the people involved but also in the world/aesthetic. The way you describe things makes each scene so easy to picture... in such a subtle way. I don't know how to describe it other than saying it's like when you put a certain lens or colour grading over a movie and watching as it changes the entire feeling of the scene. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's what you've done with your writing here, and I adore it
Thank you, Daniel for your very generous comments. It's interesting to me, your analogy to a certain lens or color grading technique because I began to see this story through such a lens as I wrote it, more so than any of the other stories I've written. I glad you liked it. You had me at "Holy shit, this is phenomenal." A very gratifying review!
I was wondering if the "holy shit" was a little too crass to begin a comment with, but it's honestly how I felt, so I figured I might as well. I'm glad the lens/colour grading thing makes sense, and that you can see it too. It's so cool how you not only managed to achieve that, but kept it consistent across the whole piece. More than deserving of the comment :)
Really love the story, Jim! I had to look for a while to find one like it on here. Am I missing something or why is most of the fiction section on substack filled with non-fictive deliberations?
Thank you Elia. Yes, "non-fictive deliberation," aka "navel gazing," seems to be quite popular on Substack. I have engaged in it a few times here on my Stack, between fiction pieces but I do try to remember to label them as non-fiction. If you are looking for great writing, check out the commenters on this very story. Most of them are fiction writers, some of them new to me that I'm just getting to know, others, well known and always a great read. Do check them out.
I so enjoy the dialogue without using 'said' and without quotation marks. It takes some craft to pull it off. Well done. The body language snippets are perfect. You got a good thing goin' here.
Thank you, Helen. I've started to omit quotation marks when I'm writing a dialog that is clearly a back and forth between two people. Less clutter. I appreciate your kind comments. By the way, I just spent a few minutes getting to know Mama Breeze--very intriguing. Imma dive into that soon!
This is amazing! At the beginning, I expected to have a hard time with the continuous present tense, but it sucked me right in and didn’t let go. The story and the prose were incredible in every way. Thank you for sharing this!
Enviable writing, Jim.
The present tense is masterful, keeps the reader ‘present’. I’m sure I held my breath for several minutes along the way. So many fine lines. Great to find fiction this good here … makes me want to raise my own bar.
I'm thrilled to hear this, Barrie. Your work sets a high bar for the rest of us already. Thank you for your comments.
That's really very kind, Jim ... super-encouraging. A thousand thanks.
It does, doesn't it! I read Jim Cummings and I feel like I need to go back to square 1. But he inspires me to keep at it!
It feels properly 'substantial' in a way that makes me want to work harder at the craft of writing ...
Your work inspires me and many others, Sharron. You have a unique and elegant style all your own.
Now that’s a story. I was completely immersed. I could feel the tension in the first paragraph/that first dialogue exchange, and man, it did not let go all the way through. By story’s end I was literally sitting on the edge of my seat, hand over mouth—didn’t even realize I’d moved!
Thank you so much, Justin. It was a bit of an experiment in tense and style and was harder to write than I had imagined.
BTW: your piece today was terrific--one of your best.
Well you pulled it off fabulously! And thank you again. It really means a lot! 🙏
This is a mind-blowing piece of prose, Jim. The use of the present tense here is just perfection. The conversation in the barber shop is pure gold. That poor kid, being dragged into centuries-old traditions of useless vendettas against his better judgement -- that is exactly how it is perpetuated. These young men have only two choices - you join in or you leave town. ( By the way, I re-watched a very early Al Pacino movie last night ( 1973 - Serpico). A fantastic film that holds up magnificently 50 years later. I recommend it. You will see young Antonio in his face.
Aww thanks, Sharron and thank you for your always spot-on advice. I do remember Pacino in Serpico. I will have to watch it again. Sometimes these old movies just aren't as good as you remember them and you cringe when you see them again, many years later.
Yes. I know how that is! But you might agree Serpico is an exception. Of course, his 1973 hipster wardrobe is jarring, but he was an undercover cop and dressed like the youth of that era. Those other cops despised him because he refused to take bribes like all the rest of them did. True story. Sidney Lumet direction.
Such good writing, Jim! Inspiring. A pleasure to read. You have a knack for this. It goes down like butter on toast.
Thank you James. I like that: "butter on toast."
This was fresh. Great rhythm and vivid vignette!
Thank you for reading, Alexander and for your kind comment.
Outstanding, Jim. Incredible writing and really really impressive use of continuous present tense (not an easy feat).
Jim looking at his screen, wondering why an outstanding writer like Nathan would even notice, not knowing what to say, happy for the praise but needing to maintain his cool, saying "thanks, bro."
Hahaha 🤗😉
I do not place myself on such a high pedestal. A very much admire and look up to your writing and storytelling prowess, Jim.
In all seriousness, I really value your opinion. Thanks again, Nathan.
Nicely done, Jim. I really enjoyed it. The ending, sort of unsure what Antonio would do, yet sure, is a lovely way to go.
Thank you Victor. Yes, taking up smoking to be like Sali and crushing a cigarette under his father's shoe indicated to me that he had accepted "The Life" and all that would come with it. No need to go any further.
Thanks for reading and commenting, friend.
Holy shit, this is phenomenal. The whole thing screams style, and I love how you've used the tense and all those long sentences. It provides such a good feel of character, not just in the people involved but also in the world/aesthetic. The way you describe things makes each scene so easy to picture... in such a subtle way. I don't know how to describe it other than saying it's like when you put a certain lens or colour grading over a movie and watching as it changes the entire feeling of the scene. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's what you've done with your writing here, and I adore it
Thank you, Daniel for your very generous comments. It's interesting to me, your analogy to a certain lens or color grading technique because I began to see this story through such a lens as I wrote it, more so than any of the other stories I've written. I glad you liked it. You had me at "Holy shit, this is phenomenal." A very gratifying review!
I was wondering if the "holy shit" was a little too crass to begin a comment with, but it's honestly how I felt, so I figured I might as well. I'm glad the lens/colour grading thing makes sense, and that you can see it too. It's so cool how you not only managed to achieve that, but kept it consistent across the whole piece. More than deserving of the comment :)
This was great! Normally I'm not a huge fan of monster stories, but I loved this one and I really liked the perspective
Thank you, Andrew. So glad you liked it and took the time to encourage a fellow writer. Going to check out your Stack now.
Excellent. Taut. "breathing in female": brilliantly true to life and evocative
Thank you, Terry. Your comment means a lot to me. "Evocative," is a word every writer should be thrilled to hear.
The description of Antonio fully dressed for the job is priceless. Perfectly describes the scene, can see it like a movie
Thank you Linda. I very much appreciate your comment.
Really love the story, Jim! I had to look for a while to find one like it on here. Am I missing something or why is most of the fiction section on substack filled with non-fictive deliberations?
Thank you Elia. Yes, "non-fictive deliberation," aka "navel gazing," seems to be quite popular on Substack. I have engaged in it a few times here on my Stack, between fiction pieces but I do try to remember to label them as non-fiction. If you are looking for great writing, check out the commenters on this very story. Most of them are fiction writers, some of them new to me that I'm just getting to know, others, well known and always a great read. Do check them out.
Thanks again for your comment.
I so enjoy the dialogue without using 'said' and without quotation marks. It takes some craft to pull it off. Well done. The body language snippets are perfect. You got a good thing goin' here.
I look forward to more of your work.
Thank you, Helen. I've started to omit quotation marks when I'm writing a dialog that is clearly a back and forth between two people. Less clutter. I appreciate your kind comments. By the way, I just spent a few minutes getting to know Mama Breeze--very intriguing. Imma dive into that soon!
Nice crescendo, ending with unbridled imagination.
Thank you, Mark for reading!
So good! Tight and perfect, I hung on every word.
Thank you, Liz for reading and taking the time to leave such an encouraging comment.
This is amazing! At the beginning, I expected to have a hard time with the continuous present tense, but it sucked me right in and didn’t let go. The story and the prose were incredible in every way. Thank you for sharing this!
Well thank you, Bridget. I'm happy that you liked it and to have you as a subscriber. I will be checking out your stack as well!